Susan

It's just after midnight. Susan's birthday is just passed. Most of her birthdays were spent in this house. I didn't see her on this birthday but my heart was with her. I made her sad on some of them but mostly happy. The sad times I regret, the happy times I treasure. A mother shouldn't make a child sad, or leave their side. I wish I could replace the lost times but it can't be. It makes the present more urgent. Saturday I'll have both my children and all of my grandchildren in the house. The house doesn't age when at least one of them is here. When they all leave it settles back into real time. It's timeless in these early morning hours, John Michael is asleep in Susan's old room and I'm awake in his.

sick

http://www.lnstar.com/mall/literature/rls/LandofCounterpane.htm   I've been sick in bed all day and night. I coughed most of last night and a lot of today. I've been trying to think of this poem and it finally came to me and I found it right off through google. I have it downstairs or up here maybe. But I seem to have lost contact with the world outside this room, even this bed. Now I can take the computer to bed as well as books. And of course at least one cat in bed with me most of the time. I could live like this for days. Somebody would finally bring me something to eat. When I was little and sick in bed, Mama or Daddy would read to me, actually I was read to every day and night. I don't remember a life without stories. Tonight I'm not sure if I'm living in a story or this is real life. The book I read today has corrupted my brain. Somehow I like it corrupted, closed in this little room. Yet the world at my computer screen. During the daylight hours I could see the birds and squirrels eating. I guess the squirrels sleep in the red building. I see them go in there, they know the food is there when I don't keep it replenished in the feeders. I've left all the wrappings there, woodpecker snack, berry punch suet, black oil sunflower seeds. If I don't gather them for the trash it will be record of what they ate this winter. Or spring winds will scatter them all over the yard. Bits and pieces will catch in the weeds in the herb beds. I haven't touched them for two years. So the herbs and wild flowers are under there if I want to find them. But then I would have to leave this room. From here I can pretend to see the herbs and never know the difference. Does it really matter?

no children

There are no children in the house tonight, which makes me sad. It's too quiet. I like their noises and movement. They will all be here Saturday. I always say I'm going to make pictures and rarely do. I'll make a specail effort this weekend.

It's cold and rainy. It matches my mood. Coughing my head off.

I'm reading The #1 Ladies' Detective Agency series of books. I didn't read them from the beginning but decided to read them after a recommendation from Jeanie. She was right, as always. Now I can't read them fast enough.