Susan

It's just after midnight. Susan's birthday is just passed. Most of her birthdays were spent in this house. I didn't see her on this birthday but my heart was with her. I made her sad on some of them but mostly happy. The sad times I regret, the happy times I treasure. A mother shouldn't make a child sad, or leave their side. I wish I could replace the lost times but it can't be. It makes the present more urgent. Saturday I'll have both my children and all of my grandchildren in the house. The house doesn't age when at least one of them is here. When they all leave it settles back into real time. It's timeless in these early morning hours, John Michael is asleep in Susan's old room and I'm awake in his.

sick

http://www.lnstar.com/mall/literature/rls/LandofCounterpane.htm   I've been sick in bed all day and night. I coughed most of last night and a lot of today. I've been trying to think of this poem and it finally came to me and I found it right off through google. I have it downstairs or up here maybe. But I seem to have lost contact with the world outside this room, even this bed. Now I can take the computer to bed as well as books. And of course at least one cat in bed with me most of the time. I could live like this for days. Somebody would finally bring me something to eat. When I was little and sick in bed, Mama or Daddy would read to me, actually I was read to every day and night. I don't remember a life without stories. Tonight I'm not sure if I'm living in a story or this is real life. The book I read today has corrupted my brain. Somehow I like it corrupted, closed in this little room. Yet the world at my computer screen. During the daylight hours I could see the birds and squirrels eating. I guess the squirrels sleep in the red building. I see them go in there, they know the food is there when I don't keep it replenished in the feeders. I've left all the wrappings there, woodpecker snack, berry punch suet, black oil sunflower seeds. If I don't gather them for the trash it will be record of what they ate this winter. Or spring winds will scatter them all over the yard. Bits and pieces will catch in the weeds in the herb beds. I haven't touched them for two years. So the herbs and wild flowers are under there if I want to find them. But then I would have to leave this room. From here I can pretend to see the herbs and never know the difference. Does it really matter?

no children

There are no children in the house tonight, which makes me sad. It's too quiet. I like their noises and movement. They will all be here Saturday. I always say I'm going to make pictures and rarely do. I'll make a specail effort this weekend.

It's cold and rainy. It matches my mood. Coughing my head off.

I'm reading The #1 Ladies' Detective Agency series of books. I didn't read them from the beginning but decided to read them after a recommendation from Jeanie. She was right, as always. Now I can't read them fast enough.

 

snow

Since I went upstairs to read snow has covered everything. When I finished my book I got out of bed and I could see the snow in the glow of the street light. I came to turn on the floodlight to watch the snow falling. Nothing is moving except snowflakes.

Cold air greeted me on the stairs making me think how many cold nights have passed in this house. Almost a hundred years worth of cold. Even with the furnace roaring there are cold spaces somewhere in the house.

I would bet I have spent more sleepless nights in this house that anyone who has lived here, even old Jasper Reynolds. I've roamed around while everybody else is sleeping. I've read many a book, finishing in the wee early morning hours.

Back to bed to start a new book.

Brrrr

The wind is blustery. I can hear the flag flap now and then. We went to church tonight. It was sooo cold getting out of the car and making our way to the church door. My gloves fell out of the car and I had to chase them down. I'm sure it was a video moment. We ate Mexican after church. Olivia had a good time dipping her chips in the salsa. She sat in her booster seat and looked so big. We're all tucked in and warm now. Bed and book beckon.

New Year's Eve

I'm spending New Year's Eve reading Wendell Berry. What better way to start a new year. Olivia is asleep upstairs. Kristin, Elizabeth and Leah are probably asleep in Georgetown. I wish they were all here.

Children in the house

Both of our children are sleeping in the house tonight. All four of our granddaughters are also asleep here. John Wayne is sleeping. I'm awake. The only sound is the soft whir of the computer and occasionally I can hear ice hitting the windows. If I turn on the flood light at the back of the house I can see the snow blowing. The cars are covered. For some reason I'm warmer tonight than usual. My foot doesn't hurt as bad and my chest doesn't feel so heavy. Maybe it's because the children are here. For supper we had fried potatoes, pinto beans, and cornbread. Mama is sleeping a short way up the street and down the road. Or she was sleeping, maybe she isn't now. We used to all sleep at her house, now we sleep here. I don't want to live to be old. Christmas has crept up on me, I knew it was coming but I couldn't get ready. It will come and go whether I'm ready or not. John Michael, Kristin and I will try and go shopping tomorrow. I may have to shop for boots before anything else. The wind has whipped up and I can hear the flag flapping on the porch. I have to sleep. But also need to stay awake to keep the creepies away. Susan bought all the girls gum boots to wear in the snow. The babies are so funny. We can't call them babies much longer. Kristin and Elizabeth wear adult size boots!

I'm sleepy now, hopefully will still be sleepy when I go to bed. Quilts keep us all warm tonight and help us remember.